Soft Stars
by LLFOREVER
Summary: AU. Set in Season 5. Something will change Rory's life forever. Now, she must find her own path.
1. Broken Harmony

**Soft Stars**

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gilmore Girls or its characters.

DEDICATION: This is dedicated to Claire - Thanks for helping me with some of the early stuff/ideas! and Arianna - You have been such a big help! I finished the first chapter for you! Thanks!

SUMMARY: AU. Set in Season 5 with possible references to all episodes up to "So… Good Talk."

RATING: PG-13 for language

* * *

Prologue

Someone knocks on the exam room door. Lorelai glances at Rory and gives her a weak smile.

"Come in," she says. The door opens and the doctor comes in. The doctor, a woman, has a concerned look on her face. Rory takes notice, but she remains silent. Lorelai tries to lighten the mood.

"What's up doc? Am I dying?"

"Mom!" Rory glares at Lorelai. The doctor shifts and rubs the back of her neck, looking uncomfortable.

"Miss Gilmore"

"Lorelai."

"Lorelai, could we discuss these results alone?"

"No," Rory says. "I want to be here." The doctor glances at Lorelai.

"She can stay." The doctor's lips twitch downward, not quite a frown.

"Okay. Lorelai, you have pancreatic cancer." Rory lets out an audible sob before covering her mouth with her hands. Lorelai stares at the doctor in shock.

"How… how bad is it?"

"Stage IV. What that means is this: the cancer has spread from your pancreas to your liver and lungs. We also refer to this as advanced cancer."

"I don't understand. How is the possible? I've been fine!" The doctor offers a sympathetic smile.

"The symptoms that you described match those of pancreatic cancer. The tests that we ran confirmed it."

"Why didn't I know before now?"

"Pancreatic cancer often goes unnoticed in the early stages."

"How-how long?"

"I can't say for sure…"

* * *

Chapter 1 - Broken Harmony

Rory stares at the coffin. Her mind is in overdrive. She hates it all, the dress, the flowers, the fake sympathies. She doesn't know how she has climbed out of the bed the last few days. A gentle hand touches her shoulder. She doesn't know who it is, and she doesn't care anymore. She makes a quick turn and presses her face into him or her. Him, it's definitely a him, she thinks, feeling his suit. Strong arms reach around her and pull her into a bone-crushing hug.

Rory hasn't cried yet. She knows she's not devoid of feelings, but she's dead to the world around her. Six words have been playing in her head, over and over.

_"We couldn't save her. I'm sorry."_ Fuck that. Fuck it all. She wonders if the doctor has ever heard those words. Sugarcoating it doesn't help. It makes it hurt more. Why can't they just fucking say it? It doesn't change the truth. The truth is this: Lorelai is dead.

He doesn't speak. Though he's never lost, lost in the sense of death, a parent, he has some idea of how she feels. He knows that no words will make this better. No words will make the pain hurt less. She just needs someone to hold onto right now. He doesn't think she even cares who it is right now.

He's right. She just wants to have someone to hold and be held back. She's turned away the comfort of friends and family. They don't really know her. They don't want to know her _this_ way, _this_ broken, lost shell of a person. She just wants someone who will hold her and talk to her for that person. She can't ignore Lorelai's death, and she doesn't want people to tell her that everything's going to be okay. Maybe they're right, but she's afraid of the path that it will take to get there.

This isn't a movie, and he's not there to just pick her up and make everything right again. Nothing is going to do that, and nothing is ever going to be the same again. He's just there for her. He's what she needs most right now: a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, and someone who understands her. She knows he understands because he doesn't say the empty words that everyone else has said.

He debated about whether he should come, but he's glad he did. He and Rory have a rocky past, but that's what it is now: the past. The future can't be lived by the past, and right now, Rory's afraid to face the future.

The words come, the words that she's been waiting to hear. It's almost like a sweet melody.

"I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere if you don't want me to."

And the tears begin to fall.

She's not afraid to cry now. He's not going to try to wipe the tears away and make it all better because they both know he can't do that.

Never letting go of Rory, he leads her to a couch, and they sit down together. The tears aren't stopping, but he doesn't try to stop them. He strokes her hair gently as she leans her head on his shoulder and cries.

"Don't go," she says. "Don't leave me."

"I won't," he whispers. This isn't enough for Rory. She needs him here.

"Promise me. Promise me you won't leave."

"I promise." He gives Rory a soft kiss on the forehead and glances up as someone walks by. He makes brief eye contact with the person. In that moment, all wrongs between the two are made right, and his world is spinning freely. Then, the moment is over, and he turns back to Rory, to a world that is spinning on a broken axle.

* * *

Rory watches people get up and talk about the person that Lorelai was, but she only hears a steady rhythm of sound. Their words are lost to her, and she doesn't want to hear them. She knows what kind of person her best friend was, and she knows about every moment of her best friend's life. 

His arm is wrapped around her tightly. She's delicate and vulnerable. It hurts him to see her this way. She doesn't deserve this, and Lorelai didn't deserve to die this way, but life doesn't always work in favor of what people deserve. He's been around enough to know this.

Rory slips her hand into her purse and her fingers clench a folded letter. She remembers what Lorelai told her about it.

_"When I'm gone, I want you to read this. Read it, and remember that I'm always here for you, no matter what."_

As Rory unfolds the letter, tears begin to fall again, but he doesn't move a muscle as her eyes scan the page.

_Dear Rory, you may find this letter to be a lot more serious than... well… me. Don't remember me this way. Don't remember the way I was when I was sick. Remember the way we lived life, and the way that we've always been there for each other. Remember me. I will always be here for you, and when you think I'm not, I want you to read this poem._

**_I Did Not Die_**

_Do not stand at my grave and forever weep._

_I am not there; I do not sleep._

_I am a thousand winds that blow._

_I am the diamond glints on snow._

_I am the sunlight on ripened grain._

_I am the gentle autumn's rain._

_When you awaken in the morning's hush_

_I am the swift uplifting rush_

_Of quiet birds in circled flight._

_I am the soft stars that shine at night._

_Do not stand at my grave and forever cry._

_I am not there. I did not die._

_Melinda Sue Pacho_

_Love Always, Mom_

Carefully, Rory folds the letter and puts it back in her purse. She wipes tears from her eyes, but a single tear slips away and rolls down her cheek. He reaches out and wipes it away with his thumb, and the gesture is enough to make Rory want to cry again. She doesn't this time, and inside, another piece of her breaks apart.

People begin to walk by the coffin. Rory watches quietly. Friends and Stars Hollow residents offer sympathetic smiles, but she remains motionless. Then, she realizes that it's her turn. She doesn't know if she can even walk the short distance to the coffin, but he's there, and he's not leaving.

They stand up together, and he keeps his arm around her waist, holding her close. She leans against him as they walk up to the coffin alone.

A picture of Lorelai stares at them, and he can't take his eyes off of it. Rory touches the coffin gently. Crying, she leans forward and kisses it. He's holding her up right now, both physically and mentally.

It's time for her to walk away from the coffin, but it's more than that. She's turning away from everything that she has always known. A new path is ahead, and for the first time, Lorelai won't be there to help her through it.

It's the symbol of a now broken harmony that had once been her life.

* * *

A/N: That's all for today! Review! Let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is very welcome! I'm excited about the next chapter, and there will be a next chapter. My wonderful inspiration will make sure it happens, right Ari? 


	2. Till Forever

Soft Stars

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gilmore Girls or its characters.

DEDICATION: This chapter is dedicated to Tygerwolfe. Your review really meant a lot to me. Thank you.

SUMMARY: AU. Set in Season 5 with possible references to all episodes up to "So... Good Talk."

RATING: PG 13 for language

A/N: Thanks for all of the reviews! All of the reviews were wonderful, but some of them were really touching. Thanks for all of the support on this story. I'm kind of nervous about it, but I was pleased by the response I got. This chapter has a quote from 2.03 Red Light on the Wedding Night.

* * *

Chapter 2 - Till Forever

They walk out of the funeral home together. Rory doesn't even remember who brought her to the funeral, but she doesn't want to go back to the house with him or her.

"They're having a gathering at the house." He's surprised and glances over at her.

"What?"

"My grandmother, she organized a gathering at the house for friends to come over. It's being catered." Rory thinks about what she has just said. "My mom died and her mother is having a fucking gathering! She asked me what food I wanted and what color the tablecloths should be!"

He wants to bear the pain for her, but he can't do that. She's right; it shouldn't be that way, but he has nothing to say. Instead, he says the one thing that makes sense.

"I'm here." He hugs her tightly. "I'm not going anywhere." This is the best he can do. He's better at putting his words on paper, and he thinks he might do that: write a letter to Rory.

"I don't want to go," Rory says. "I'm not going." Instantly, he knows what she means. She looks at him for a second. "You drive."

He nods, and they walk to his car in silence. She gets in, and then he shuts the door for her. As soon as he sits down, he takes off his tie. He sticks the key in the ignition and glances over at her.

"Where to?"

"Just drive," she says, quietly. "Anywhere but here and the house," she whispers. She can't call it home. It's not home anymore, without Lorelai. "Just drive."

He does. He doesn't ask any questions, and he doesn't try to offer any suggestions. Now isn't the time for that. She'll talk when she's ready, and he doesn't want to make her.

They are both surprised when Rory's phone rings. She takes it out slowly and flips it open. He can hear Emily's shrill voice, even though Rory is holding the phone to her right ear.

"Rory, where are you? Everyone is looking for you! I want you to come home right now! Do I need to send someone to get you?" Rory shows no emotion as she hits "End" and turns her phone off.

He watches, but again, he doesn't say anything. He drives through Hartford until he comes to I-91. He glances over at Rory, who has been watching out the window silently since they left the funeral house. If he goes left, they'll circle back around Stars Hollow or have the option of going back to Stars Hollow. If he goes right, onto I-91, they'll be headed for Massachusetts.

"Do you want me to go left or-"

"Right," she finishes. She needs to have time to figure out where she wants this to go, and she won't get that turning left. That's all she says, and he offers no response.

He turns right.

* * *

Rory doesn't begin to talk until the cross the Connecticut-Massachusetts border. Her voice startles him; he has been thinking about her. He hasn't been able to think of anything else since he heard the news, but he knows it's time to listen to whatever she wants to talk about.

"The weather is nice," she says. Her throat tightens. Everything she says reminds her of Lorelai in some way. "Tell me something."

"What?"

"Anything," she whispers. "Anything."

He does. Things begin pouring out of him. He tells her about his work and his family. He tells her about the friends that he has. He can't seem to stop the flow of words, but she's okay with that. They've come to a silent agreement: she asks him no questions and he tells her no lies.

She's glad to hear him talk. His voice comes as a comfort, one that she's been missing. She always loved to hear him talk. He's telling her about his life, and she's learning things she never knew. She's holding on to every word he says, but she doesn't realize that he was asking her a question until there is a long silence. She blushes, and he smiles and repeats the question.

"Are you hungry?" She shrugs. She hasn't eaten much the last few days. His eyes widen, and he gets off the interstate at the next exit. He goes through the drive through at a McDonald's and gets burgers for both of them. He hands her one and starts to go back to the I-91, but then she sees a bookstore.

"Wait, will you stop there? I want to run in and get something," she says. He nods.

"You're the navigator. I'm just the chauffeur." She pauses, with her hand on the door. She wants to tell him that he's not a chauffeur. Right now, he's her rock, but it's too much for her to say that out loud. Instead, she smiles gratefully.

She climbs out of the car and is gripped with the fear that he won't be there when she returns. He watches her walk away from the car slowly, and he understands. He gets out, and instantly, he's beside her. He doesn't have to say anything, and she doesn't ask, but she knows that he gets it.

Together, they walk into the store. She sees what she wants immediately and tells him to wait at the cash register. She hurries over and grabs a road map. They step up to the register, and he digs out his wallet as she realizes that she left her purse in the car. The older woman smiles at them.

"Are you two on a trip?" Rory freezes. She's not sure what they're on. She just knows that she wants to be away from her old life. He sees her hesitation and nods.

"Well, have fun. You look like such a nice couple," the woman says. Rory is surprised by the woman's assumption; he is unfazed. Gently, he touches Rory on the shoulder and guides her out of the store. He doesn't say anything about the woman as they walk to the car and get in.

"So, where are we going?" Rory stares at him for a moment. She remembers asking her mother a similar question a few years ago. Likewise, she remembers Lorelai's response, and she uses it as her own.

"We're almost there and nowhere near it. All that matters is we're going." Like he as done so many times today, he accepts this answer without question. They eat in silence as he drives down the interstate, both in thought.

She doesn't know where they're going or why they're going. He doesn't know why this happened to her and what prompted him to come. They don't know what's ahead, and they don't understand what's behind. Right now, they're confused, but they'll find what matters, and that's the truth. All that matters is the truth.

* * *

He glances at Rory. She's yawning, and they're both emotionally drained from the day. He sees a sign with motel listings for Bernardston, just off I-91.

"Do you want to stop and spend the night in Bernardston?" Rory looks at him, surprised.

"What?"

"Bernardston, it's just off the road. You look tired, and I'm a little sleepy. I figured we could spend the night at a motel there, and then continue going wherever we're going tomorrow." Rory nods. She hasn't really slept since Lorelai died. She thinks that she might be able to sleep with him near her.

He does as planned and gets off in Bernardston; however, there's no motel. He doesn't say anything, but he pulls up to Falls River Inn and turns off the car.

"This is a bed and breakfast," Rory says. She closes her eyes momentarily. Lorelai hated bed and breakfasts.

"Yeah."

"We don't have the money for this."

"Don't worry about it." He gets out of the car, and she sighs. He comes around and opens her door.

"Thanks." He nods, the only sign that he heard her. They walk in, and Rory is the first to speak to the person at the front desk.

"How much is one night in a room with two beds?" The attendant tells her, and Rory frowns. She pulls him aside.

"We can find some place else."

"Rory, I've got it. Besides, don't you have a credit card from your grandparents or something?" Rory realizes that he's right, but she decides they can work the money part out later. They go back up to the desk, and Rory requests one room with one bed. He's surprised, but he doesn't question her decision. He knows that she just wants to feel someone close to her right now.

They walk up to the room together. For the first time, Rory realizes that they have no change of clothes. She's wearing a dress, and he's wearing a suit. Quickly, he understands the predicament.

"I have some clothes in my car. They'll be big on you, but you can wear one of my t-shirts or something." She nods. He hurries out of the room to get his clothes, but he feels her anxiety. He's not going anywhere, but she's afraid of losing him. Not him personally, but him figuratively, as someone for her to hold onto, someone who understands her.

He returns quickly to find Rory pouring over the map. She still hasn't decided where she wants to go or how long they're going to be gone.

"Here," he says, handing her a shirt. Ironically, it's one that she always liked. He would say that it was fate that he grabbed that shirt, but he would never admit that to anyone.

Rory goes in the bathroom to change. The shirt is big, but she doesn't mind. When she comes back out, he's laying under the covers of the bed. She sees his dress shirt, jacket, and pants over a chair. In any other situation, she would be uncomfortable with this, but today, it's almost comforting to her. She'll be closer to him, and she craves the closeness of someone else right now. Removing everything but his boxers had nothing to do with sex, and they both know that.

Rory climbs into the bed and pulls the covers up. She slides closer to him.

"Will you hold me?" Her voice is a quiet whisper, but he hears. Gently, he leans on his side and wraps his left arm over her side.

"Will you be here when I wake up?"

"And when you're asleep," he says.

"Till when?"

"However long you want me to be here, I'm here," he whispers. He's telling the truth.

"If I need you forever?"

"I'll be here till forever."

They both know that he truly means it. He feels her relax and then knows that she has fallen asleep for the first time in days.

* * *

He wakes up to Rory's terrified cries. Her sleep didn't last, but he knew it wouldn't.

"Rory, I'm here. You're having a dream. I'm right here," he says. She turns over and buries her face in his shoulder. He continues to talk quietly. He runs his hand through her hair, over and over, until she's quiet again.

She wakes up three more times before daybreak. Each time, he tells her that he'll be here till forever.

* * *

A/N: does happy dance Got the second chapter done in two days! Now I have to go to bed. A big thanks to everyone who looked over any part of Chapter Two - Ari and Hazel, that's you. Once again, thanks for all of the reviews. Question: would you like me to respond to some individual reviews? Speaking of reviews, please do that - review!

Ooh, another thing of note. This is a romance story last. Just in case you were wondering…


	3. No Direction

**Dedication**  
_Paige Michelle Winters  
November 28, 1989 - August 27, 2006_  
_Paigey, you will be loved and missed forever. Thank you for being a wonderful friend.  
I know you're at peace now. Love always, K._

* * *

Chapter 3 – No Direction

He hasn't asked her questions yet. He knows better than to push and prod. They've been driving for days now, with no destination in mind. The hours in the car are spent talking about mindless things, like his favorite hang out places in the city.

A bitter feeling washes over him. Not for the first time, he wants to be able to fix _this_. She doesn't deserve this. No one does, but she, of all people, doesn't deserve this.

Rory glances over at him and then frowns as the radio begins to play "Only the Good Die Young." A few tears roll down her cheeks as she closes her eyes. The song is all wrong. She wants to know who fucking cares about the good dying young. The good part doesn't matter, not now. It's the young part that hurts the most.

"I miss her. I miss her so much." He knows, and he reaches out to hold her hand. There are no magic words for him to say, nothing to make it all okay, so he doesn't try.

* * *

Sleep scares Rory. She's afraid of waking up and not having him there. She knows he won't leave her again; it's a deeper fear than that. She's afraid of losing him.

Rory hasn't slept through a night yet. She has horrible nightmares. After the worst ones, she wakes up in a blind panic, dripping with sweat. He is always there to comfort her. Sometimes he gets a cool washcloth and talks to her quietly, calming her down. Other times, he's just there to hold her until she falls asleep again. On Rory's better nights, she wakes up panicked that he is gone, and then she realizes that he's sound asleep, right beside her. She wraps herself in his arms, careful not to wake him, and then she tries to get back to sleep.

Rory doesn't know it, but he always stays awake until she falls asleep. He doesn't mind waking up when she needs him, and he always wakes up, even on her better nights. On those nights, he's careful to keep his breathing slow and quiet, but he stays awake then as well.

Rory hasn't said it out loud, but he knows that she's afraid that she'll wake up one of these times, and he won't be there. There's nothing he can say to remedy this; her fears will lessen with time.

* * *

When they get in the car again, Rory takes a deep breath and glances over at him. She has a plan in mind. It's not solid, but it's there. She almost feels guilty, planning. Lorelai didn't get to live out her plans; why should she?

"You have a plan." Rory manages a small smile and nods.

"I have a plan. I want you…" She pauses and takes a deep breath while staring out the window. "I want you to drive back to Yale. I need to, to get some things, and I need to talk to Luke." He nods. After all, he's the chauffer and nothing more.

* * *

When they get back to Yale, he and Rory have planned for her to spend the night in her dorm, with Paris. They enter her room slowly, and Paris looks up from the couch. She seems surprised, but she doesn't ask any questions.

He walks back to her room, and he sits on the bed beside her. She hugs him and then puts her head down on her pillow, trying not to let her cries become audible.

"Hey, hey. I'm right here. I'll be back in the morning. I promise." She nods and doesn't try to speak. Rory trembles as he leaves the room and closes the door. She wants to jump out of bed and run after him, but she has to try to get through the night without him.

He walks to the door and pauses. He studies the handle and reaches out to open it and leave, but then he takes a step back.

"You can stay." He is surprised, but it doesn't show as he turns and faces Paris in the dark living room.

"What?"

"You can stay. She needs you to stay." He smiles gratefully and sits down on the couch. He knows that he wouldn't be able to sleep in a hotel room anyway.

* * *

He reaches for the door at Luke's, but Rory shakes her head.

"I think I need to talk to him by myself. Is that okay?" He nods. He understands, and Rory's grateful because she doesn't understand anything anymore.

"Take all the time you need." Rory gets out of the car and walks into Luke's alone. She feels unsheltered and vulnerable here, maybe because she knows that Luke is hurting too.

Luke glances up, surprised to see Rory. He has only seen her once since the funeral. He misses her, but he thinks it's for the better. They're both hurting, and seeing each other makes it worse. He's been talking to _him_, but they don't talk about Rory much.

"Rory. Let me get you a table," Luke says, awkwardly. He doesn't know what he's supposed to say, and Rory doesn't know either. She lets herself smile a little when she sees several open tables, but she shakes her head.

"No, I'll make this quick and get out of your way," she says. Her voice trembles slightly, and she feels tears begin to pool in her eyes.

"You've never been in my way," Luke says. He sees the tears in Rory's eyes, and he is happy for Rory, happy that she can let her emotions show.

"I'm taking some time off school and going back to New York with him. I might take few classes at Columbia this summer. I'm-I'm not sure yet," Rory says, barely choking the words out. Tears roll down her cheeks, but she is unfazed. "I just need time away from here."

Luke pulls Rory into a tight hug, and she returns the embrace. He understands. There are too many memories here, and she needs to escape. He only wishes that he could do the same.

"I'll miss you." This is all Luke says, but it's enough to make Rory cry more. Luke is almost to the breaking point.

"When the time is right, I'll come back," Rory says. She pulls out of Luke's hug and begins to back up. Through tears, she meets Luke's eyes and knows that he's still listening. She barely breathes her next words, but Luke hears them. "I love you, Dad."

Inside, Luke breaks down. He was on his final straw, and Rory has just snapped it. Outside, the only sign that he heard is a single tear that rolls down his cheek, but Rory sees it. They turn away at the same time.

Rory walks out to the car and gets in. He leans over and kisses her on the forehead. She hugs him for a few seconds. Then, they drive away from memories that have shaped their very lives.

Rory needs to find herself, away from the life she once had. She's broken, and she needs to be fixed. That can't happen around a sea of memories because it hurts to remember. It hurts to remember who she used to be and everything that she used to have, but most of all, it hurts to remember Lorelai.

* * *

A/N: Okay.. so I really fell off the bandwagon on updating this. I had most of it written a long time ago, but I added a few things. Read and review, thanks. 


End file.
